Dude, Rose is cool.

Crayola doesn't make a color to draw my love.

2012-01-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

"Crayola" by Kristin Andreassen. I love this song. If you have never heard of it, I suggest you check it out and her other stuff. She's made of AWESOME.

Anyway, today, I spent about NINE hours working on regrouping the areas for church. If I never have to look at another listing, I won't mind at all. I'm still not done. I still have to create a masterlist with phone numbers. Someone please stab me in the eye with a pencil. It's okay, though, if it means that the brethren will receive better care. All for God!

In other news, it's Super Bowl week and my Patriots are gunning for the Lombardi. I'm so excited, but I also want to prepare myself just in case there's another heartbreak waiting in the wings for me. This is Brady's fourth Super Bowl, and if they win, then he will undoubtedly be the BEST QB ever. I know not everyone will agree with me on this (of course, I'm also biased), but he's been tying and breaking records throughout the season.

Let's look at some of his stats: Out of 159 games he's started, he's won 124 of them. That's about 80%. He's a two-time NFL MVP, the first to be voted unanimously. Three-time Super Bowl winner and two-time Super Bowl MVP. I can go on and on and on, but then this blog will never end.

But what's my point? Well, I find it offensive when people (Stephen A. from ESPN), say that Aaron Rodgers is the best ever. Are you kidding me? He did extremely well this season, and yes, he's also got a Super Bowl under his belt, and I'm sure he's only gonna get better while Brady maybe has two or three good years left. That does not make him the best ever, though. Until he's at the same level as Montana (where my golden boy, Tom, is at), then you can make that argument.

But the reason I like Tom Brady the best, is not because he's the best looking QB ever. I like him because he was a nobody. It took six rounds before he was finally picked by the Patriots, and what a treasure he's been. For the past twelve years, he's had to prove himself over and over again, and he has done just so and so much more.

I hope that when he does retire, he goes out on top because he deserves nothing less.

Until tomorrow,
Rose =)

I waited a hundred years...

2012-01-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

I'd wait a million more for you.

Sigh. I'm definitely not the biggest Twilight fan, but MAN, they have good soundtracks. If you want to check out the song, it's "Turning Page" by Sleeping At Last. It's so good. I wish it was written for me. =)

Anyway, I'm back! Yay! I know I can't believe I didn't blog for an entire year! 2011 flew by; I didn't realize it's already gone. I'm sorry to my faithful readers (mostly, Mike), but I'm gonna try my best to blog more. Inspiration has been hard to come by. However, to make up for being gone, I have two vignettes for you to read. I'm a little rusty, so please forgive me!

**************************************************************************

A Proposal

He kneels before her, hands clammy, anxious with what he is about to do. He feels a bead of sweat on his temple slowly rolling down the side of his face. The ring burning a hole in his pocket.

He sees her then with perfect clarity, remembering her hair thick and soft on his fingertips. And her smile--her knowing smile--that reaches her big brown eyes so full of trust and love for him. A feeling of tenderness overcomes him as he remembers their time together. God, how he loved this woman!

He feels a moment of panic, but he knows this is what he has to do. He knows that there can never be anyone else. He closes his eyes and takes a deep steadying breath and exhales. Here at last is the moment to prove that he will love her until his dying breath.

He puts his face once more against the cold concrete where she rests and whispers, "I will be with you soon, my love." And pulls the trigger.

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Waiting

I know a storm is coming. For weeks now, I could see the distance in his eyes, the weariness in his demeanor. I'm waiting for him to speak, to say the words I've been dreading. To hear that it's over.

Instead, all he does is stand there in front of me. Unable to lift his head, unable to look the person who loves him in the eye and tell her that he has made his resolve. I watch him, unmoved, his back hunched with the weight of the world on his shoulder and I feel my blood begin to boil.

I can't breathe. My anger suffocates me. I want to hit him, scream at him for making me fall in love, for making me invest so much of my time and for making me have sleepless nights counting the seconds when I can see him again.

But when he finally looks up, and I see the pain etched on his face, saying only two words--I'm sorry--my anger fades. Now I'm left only with sadness. Sadness that I have to wait another week until the next episode.

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Well, I hope you all enjoyed that. I sure enjoyed writing it. Lol. =P

Tomorrow, I'll try to blog again. I probably won't post another vignette, but I'm sure I'll think of something to talk about. Until next time! Goodnight.

-Rose =)

I've got the memories, but she's got you.

2010-09-28T00:36:00.000-07:00

Oh Patsy Cline. How you sing my feelings so well.

For a minute, when I saw his name on my phone, I let myself believe that this could finally be it. The talk that I have been subconsciously waiting for since I gave him that letter. A part of me regrets that I did not pick up that call. A million questions going through my mind, wondering what he would have said. If finally--after re-reading this chapter of my life countless of times knowing exactly how it is going to end, but still hoping--the story has changed. I'm glad I did not pick up that call. Because it hasn't. The story still ended the same way despite the cliffhanger. My heart is still broken.

*************************************************************************************

It's been awhile since I blogged, so here's a little something for all of you faithful followers who've missed me. Please excuse all my errors. I'm out of practice. =)

The Wedding

It is exactly as I always imagined it to be. He stands tall and proud, gorgeous in his tux, and so full of love--waiting for the next chapter of his life to begin. Waiting, as I have waited all my life for this moment.

He looks this way, nervous, as his smile reaches his eyes, and I catch my breath. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach doing flip flops. I march toward him, remembering all the times that he has been there for me. All the times that he has mended my broken heart, and helped me to pick up the pieces.

I march toward the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. To share my hopes and dreams with. To wake up next to every morning, watching his hair turn gray. I march toward my best friend knowing that our relationship is about to change forever.

I finally reach my place. He winks and my heart skips a beat. I can still tell that he is nervous, so I smile back to reassure him that all will be well.

And finally, it is time. A rush of tears come to my eyes as he turns to pledge his undying love--to someone who is not me.

Reminiscing with the "box" -- Part 3

2009-06-06T01:43:00.000-07:00

Ah. Yes. Part 3 of the series. I just wanna make up for all my lost time. Even though, I'm just regurgitating. I hope you all don't mind. And yes, I know, I'm going back in time. I always read from the back first. And yes, some of these may sound familiar, as again, these are doctored.

24 October 2003

He had been a part of my life. He will always be a part of me. I can't change that. But that's all in the past. When I moved on, I already closed that chapter in my life and decided not to open it again.

I want to be happy, too. I want to be loved the way I want to be loved. There are things that are better left unwritten but there is more to the story than what probably comes across...I just know he could never be the person who could give these to me.

And maybe, we're really just not meant to be together.

28 October 2003

__________,

Hey you. Three years fruitcake, and until now, I'm still the same. I still hear you lie. I still believe in those lies. It's so hard for me because I have no idea what my feelings really are. I keep lying to myself and it builds up to a point where I start believing them and the I get lost. I don't know where to go.

Last one for tonight...

24 April 2004

Best friend, it's been awhile. He broke my heart again. I think, I dunno. I guess I really am just stupid. But I don't know. I'm not really sad nor hurt. Just angry, disappointed. I wanted so bad to believe he was different, but I guess I was fooling myself. I feel like a fool. He doesn't get it. I don't know if he ever will. Oh well. That's what he wants to do with his life. I can't do anything about it. It's his, not mine.

Sometimes, I want to cry to help me feel better, but I don't want to waste my tears. I want to cry for someone worth it. Like if the person I hella loved died, then I want tears left for him, not for someone who abused my trust. What a waste of time.

If only the roller coaster ended there...

Reminiscing with the "box" -- Part 2

2009-06-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

Yes. Part Deux. I can't help it. I'm an insomniac. Please forgive my cliches, wordiness, and downright lameness. Who uses the word benignant? Remember, I was 18 when I wrote this.

23 April 2004

__________,

Words are truly powerful when they are unspoken, and they hurt more when they are silent. Sometimes, we have to choose between friendship and love. We weigh them equally to know which one we should choose. But too bad, when we are ready to choose between the two, we end up losing them both.

Thanks for putting me through a roller coaster. It was a knowledgeable ride, and I'm forever thankful for it. I hope that you've found what you were looking for.

I wish you luck in all you do. I wish you strength that you may carry all the burden life throws your way. I wish you benignant friendships that you may have people to run to when life's not on your side. I wish you faith for God's always on your side. I wish you tangible, bitter, and sincere love that you may learn how to give yourself to someone without expecting in return--and that you may find yourself through that journey. Then, you'll find happiness and contentment. That's my greatest wish for you.

I can solve physics equations, derive calculus equations, be an astir lexicon, I can even give you the cause of all anxiety disorders from all psychological views, but I will never be able to understand you. You make it difficult--it's what I loved about you, though. But I can only do so much. If our friendship ends here, and our eyes never meet again, just know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers...

Reminiscing with the "box" -- Part 1

2009-06-06T01:16:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to share snippets again of letters I never sent. Some are still true. Others just bring a pang of emptiness and an arrow right through the heart. Sigh. Enjoy.

15 January 2005

Dear __________,

For the past couple of years, I've been trying to craft this amazing letter that I would send you, but it always seem to fall short. I then realized that there are no right or perfect words because it's not easy to describe what's in your heart. Or in this case, what's in mine.

To be honest, I don't even know. I'm human, and I struggle when making choices. Do I lie to save someone's feelings or tell the truth and watch their pain? What's the right thing to do?

Sometimes, I'll make the right choice, and other times, I'll fail. Do I put myself first or my concern for other people? Is it better to be selfish or self-deprecating? I don't know. I don't want to be either. Sometimes, I get so lost, I don't know what to do. I just want to do the right thing.

But did you know that even that causes conflict. The right for me is to be with _____ and remember to forget you. But how do I do that when my heart aches whenever I get reminded of you? I can't give _____ half of my heart because he deserves all of it. But I can't because for so long, a part of it has always been with you and you never gave it back. And every time you come back into my life and disappear again, you take a little bit more.

I get so angry with you sometimes and I think that it would be so much easier to move forward, but then the anger goes away, then I go back to being confused all over again...

Friend of Mine

2009-05-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share these lyrics. =)

I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But is this all we'd ever be?
I've loved you ever since
You are a friend of mine
And babe is this all we ever could be?

Refrain:
You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again I'm glad

I've known you all my life
You are a friend of mine
I know this is how it's gonna be
I've loved you then and I love you still
You're a friend of mine
Now, I know friends are all we ever could be

You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again
Then again
Then again I'm glad

Some Things Never Fade

2009-05-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

"The heart remembers what the mind forgets."

It still hurts.

I have moved on. I have. I don't even think of him anymore.

But sometimes, I still see his face--that devastatingly handsome smile--when I close my eyes, and I shut them a little tighter, a little longer, to remind myself that that is the kind of love I deserve. The love that courses through my very being, the love that he still has, the love that I will always carry with me.

Pablo Neruda was wrong. Loving is not short. It is even longer than forgetting.

Someday, I hope that I will fall in love this way again. But a little bit deeper, and stronger because whoever he is, he is going to be the last. It would only be fair to him, to love him more.

I also hope that someday, someone will love me the way that I have loved.

Rose

Happy birthday (dear Heartache) Rose!

2009-03-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been awhile, but I feel that I must blog today.

I know what I did was right. Erasing everything, cutting off all that connect us, severing our friendship completely. I know that was the right thing to do, but I still find myself unhappy. I guess I still cannot accept how hurtful he was to me. I refuse to let this roadblock to hinder me from going forward, though. I do not need him in my life, and I certainly deserve to be treated better than he has shown me. Still, I do not wish him ill, I wish him only infinite love and kindness from everyone he meets for he needs it more than anyone else that I have ever known.

On more important matters, I am still heartbroken over my grandma's death. It's been almost a year, and yet the pain is still so raw that I can feel the ache in the marrow of my bones. I know I need to move on, but I cannot. When I find myself feeling melancholy I miss her so much I can feel it slicing through me. I do not know how to move on.

It gets worse everyday. It gets worse because every time I summon memories of her, the memories become faded, no longer as vivid as they used to be when I could talk to her. When she would remind me of her love. I miss her so much. More and more with every day that pass.

I do not know what to do. I know that I need someone to talk to. But I can't. I'm afraid that if I talk, and I purge this out of my system, then I will forget the memories. And that is something that I am not willing to lose.

Rose

I Wish You Enough

2008-12-21T00:35:00.000-08:00

I was hit with painful nostalgia the other day. I finally got around to cleaning my room and as I sifted through my things, I laughed, cried a little at everything I've kept through the years. Pictures, letters, random quotes and cards of all occasions. While most made me smile, I came across a birthday card that brought both immeasurable joy and magnanimous pain and emptiness to my heart.

It was a birthday card from my grandma before her illness struck. Maybe months or a year before. She wishes me laughter and all the best that life has to offer. But of all she gives me her love, always.

After her death this year, life has been a real struggle for me. I thought that I had prepared myself enough for that, but I miss her more every day. I cannot think about her without feeling sad or bursting into tears.

My grandma was a pillar of strength for me. Whatever is good in me is a result of her influence. My faith in God and love for His Church came from her faith and love which she taught to me. If I am generous or compassionate, it is because of her. My mom tells me that I am more like my grandma than her not because of those things, but because of my erratic and impulsive behavior at times, which she finds endearing.

But if there is anything that I hope to have inherited from her, it is the love she so freely gives to everyone. I know that I could never measure up to that. I know that I could never love enough, be compassionate enough, or be good enough. But I always try to be even a small fraction.

I know that I could never move on from this ache I feel. While hearts may be resilient, they are not perfect. Mine is still broken.

First Day of My Life

2008-10-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to cover songs all weekend on YouTube, and I wonder where the hell have I been that I never knew Bright Eyes (the band) ever existed. They have amazing songs. They're alternative rock, but their lyrics seriously strike a chord in me. Here's a sample:

First Day of My Life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Yea. That's a good song. I think that it's so hopeful and well, it pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Rose

God to an 8-Year-Old

2008-10-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

I found this article online, while working. Yes, I know, I should have been working, but reading articles is so much more fun. Anyway, I guess I was just looking for inspiration, and came across this paper. I am always amazed at how kids seem to perfectly capture what adults have a hard time understanding.

Blog more later. =)

How to Explain God was written by Danny Dutton, age
8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment

"Explain God".

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. "God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

"But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God.

Broken

2008-09-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

It was a long time coming. Gut-wrenching sobs. I never knew I had it in me. I feel like I tore my heart open just as it was healing and poured alcohol all over the open wound burning me. Creating hideous welts. Scarring me forever. Reminding me of my shortcomings and the irrevocable pain I've caused. To him. To both of them. And to me.

How could I have pretended not to notice? How distant I was becoming. The guilt eating me up, consuming what was left of my hollow chest. How could I let it go on for so long? How could I let myself believe that I can replace what's broken so easily? How could I not face the truth that I am broken? So sad and empty, and hurting so badly?

I should have known of course. That day, I should have faced it. Maybe that's why I cried all the way home. The pain broke free. Going on and on. He was making a choice that day. Reluctant as he may be, he was. And I let him. I didn't even fight. I just smiled and let him walk away. In all the years that he's had my heart, not once did I shed a tear for him. And now, I have no idea if I can ever stop them from coming. Because in this whole emotional wreck, I managed to hurt someone else. And I feel even lonelier and lost.

I wish that I didn't love so hard, and I wish most of all that I did not know, in the pit of my stomach, that he would have chosen me if he knew.

In denial

2008-05-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm a liar. A big, fat liar. I keep telling everyone, and myself that I'm over him. That I don't care about what he does, who he's with, or if he's even happy. But seeing him these past couple of days made me realize how much I've missed him, and having just this tiny part of him would be enough.

It's his stupid smile that always does me in. I HATE IT. It's his genuine care and concern for my well-being. How can one hold anger or resentment in her heart? Especially since she lost him through her own fears and insecurities.

I'm not going to try to stay away anymore. I'm just going to be his friend. Because I know that just because he is with someone else now, it doesn't mean that he and I can't be how we used to be. I'm just afraid to live life with regret by rejecting the friendship that he always offers me. This just means that, while he may not be "the one" for me, God must have someone much better waiting.

Rose

Just a few love quotes

2008-05-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been awhile since I blogged last. Maybe it's because I've been lazy, or busy, or just out of inspiration. The last two weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. Not only was I attacked with midterms (seriously), but I had some pretty heartbreaking losses. I know I should have turned here to vent, but I didn't even have the energy to do that.

I'm not going to blog about them now. I guess when the the pain of merely thinking about it is gone, I can begin to write. I just wanted to share some quotes that have been pulling my heartstrings these past weeks. My head's been a jumble, but worse off is my heart.

Isn't it funny we're trying to catch the attention of the one we think we love, we hardly notice the one we're really looking for was just there.

You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don’t want to feel.

It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t. But it’s harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.

There’s no use holding on to a feeling that’s already dead. If he belongs to someone else now, then let it be that way. Don’t waste time waiting for someone who never really cared about how you’ve felt.

Sometimes people choose to hold back and watch love walk away not because no love is there but because they are just so afraid of the risk of loving and losing again.

The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall when he doesn’t have an intention of catching her.

Loving someone means you only want the best for him even if it means swallowing the sad reality that the best just isn’t you.

Ok well, I have to stop that now because it's just making me sadder. I just don't know what's going on with me. He's enslaved my heart and I want it back! But how will I get it back, when he doesn't even know he has it? So here I go again. Swallowing my pride and pretending that I don't mind that once again I am dealt that dreadful B/F/P card. Sigh. Someday.

Rose

Roseanne is in love. WHAT?!?

2008-03-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the amount of responses I received when I put that in my status. I really wanted to keep it on there just to see how many more I would get, but I started to get harassed. I had no idea a lot of people had any interest in my boring ass love life. Maybe that's why they responded. Something might have actually happened? What? Impossible.

I have noticed though how some of you people are trying to be matchmakers. Uncool. Please let him find me or let me find him. The more forced it feels, the less interested I am.

I will say, however, that there is some truth in my status, and I will just let Robert Browning speak for what I cannot say:

You'll love me yet and I can tarry
Your love's protracted growing:
June reared that bunch of flowers you carry
From seeds of April's sowing.

I plant a heartful now: some seed
At least is sure to strike,
And yield what you'll not pluck indeed,
Not love, but, may be, like!

You'll look at least on love's remains,
A grave's one violet:
Your look? that pays a thousand pains.
What's death? You'll love me yet!

Anyway, I've been really busy lately and sick. Can't believe that the quarter is almost over! I can't wait till school is over!

So tomorrow is a special day because it's Mike's birthday, one of the coolest people ever. And Abe's too. They are both on my favorite people's list. Wonder who's number one on that list? lol.

Rose =)

I Hate February

2008-02-18T00:25:00.001-08:00

I know I said I'd blog on Valentine's Day, but I just didn't have time. I wasn't exactly inspired that day either (and I had to write a paper!!), but today, I feel like I need to vent a little.

I hate February. I used to love February, but right after Valentine's Day, I hate it. If February could just end on the 14th, then the 15th would never have to come, and I would never have to remember or be reminded of my foolishness and naiveté. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really hate February. Makes me want to listen to Weak by SWV, which I stopped listening to four years ago because it depresses me.

I know for some of my friends who know the significance of that day would think that I'm doing it again. Gravitating...just like Sara Bareilles' song, which is up on my MySpace. No it's not a coincidence. I purposely put that on there, but it has nothing to do with HIM. It's just that the scar that's right there beneath my chest becomes a bit more visible on the 15th, and sometimes, I feel like opening it and pouring alcohol to feel how horribly painful it was. It reminds me to be careful and guarded. To not give too much, to not care too much that I leave nothing for myself.

I am happy for him, though. I truly am despite everything. I know our friendship ended where it never began, and I know that our eyes will never meet again, but I hope he knows that I have forgiven him and include him and his family in my prayers from time to time. Because no matter how much I want to hate him, I could never make myself do it.

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In other news, Rose is suffering from symptoms of anaxaphilia--the act of falling in love with the wrong person by someone who ought to know better. I know. I've been there before. Not once, but THREE times. Wonder when I'll get it right?

Rose =)

Singles Awareness Day is almost here.

2008-02-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

So everyone's favorite holiday is just around the corner. I bet you're all excited. I sure am. I can't wait to see the people who are willing to make fools of themselves and be all corny and sugary sweet. I'm pretty sure there will be a lot. After all, it's only mandatory to show the people you care about that you care about them once a year. Hallmark can attest to that, apparent in those red, pink, and white cards with sweet nothings written on them we find at most grocery stores just after another commercial holiday has taken place(I think they call it Christmas or something like that).

But seriously, I do enjoy Valentine's Day. I don't know why, but I do. Even though people make fools of themselves, it makes someone else happy.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some Valentine PostSecret from YouTube. It's pretty cool.

I've been YouTubing all weekend and found a lot of unknown talent, so I'd like to share them with you guys.

This girl is so great, and since it's almost SAD, I'll post her cover of "When You Say Nothing at All", and because she sang John Lennon's "Imagine" so freagin awesome, I'll post that too. =)

Here's a super duper awesome 11-year-old on the gee-tar. The first one is one of my favorite songs ever (Mancini's Moon River), and the other, my favorite piece to play on the piano (Pachelbel Canon in D).

This is David Choi singing "That Girl" (an original), and if I was into Asians, I'd totally do him.

And last but not least, Miss Esmee Denters.

I hope you guys enjoyed them as much as I did. Happy almost V-Day everyone. Promise, I'll try to post on the day. =)

Rose =)

Happy New Year, Everyone!

2008-01-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

I think I skipped writing for the entire month of December!! Crazy, I know. Anyway, I just wanted to greet everyone a great Happy New Year! I hope that it is filled with lots of love and incredible blessings. I love you all!

But wait, don't fret, I have something for you guys! I found an old article that I really enjoyed reading, and some of you (ahem, Mike) might enjoy. Take care, everyone!

What Love Is

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked.

"I'm tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him ?! And finally he asked me,

"What can I do to change your mind?"

Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered,

"Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both know that picking the flower will cause your death, will you still pick it for me anyway?"

He said,"I will give you your answer tomorrow..." The last thread of hope was gone just by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door.

"My dear, I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain."

This first line was already breaking my heart. But I continued nonetheless.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the software, then you cry in front of the screen; I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programmes. You always leave the house keys behind; I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling, but you always lose your way in a new city; I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your 'grandaunt' visits every month; I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism; I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do no good to your eyes; I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand. And tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your pretty face. Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that someone loves you more than I do, I won't pick that flower and die."

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. But I continued.

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside with milk and your favourite bread."

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone.

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the dullest and boring form. Flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands. Love, not words, win arguments.

Venting

2007-11-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

Just a short one before class. I need to vent a little bit.

Sometimes you think a person is really cool and a good friend, but the moment they meet someone that seems interested in them, they forget that you were even friends. They become flaky and obsessive it makes you sick. You ask them something and they give a flippant answer and talk about the object of their desire. If you want to spend every waking moment with them then don't even call me to talk!!!!! You're wasting my time. What I hate the most is that when you're hanging out and the person comes by and they leave you. WTF.

I know I shouldn't even waste time thinking about it, but it just makes me mad. Obviously, I care, otherwise, I wouldn't be in a snit. I hate disloyalty.

So I'm doing what I'm good at. I'm avoiding the problem and staying away from such people. So that when their heart is broken, they'll come looking for me, and I won't be there. How I enjoy being evil sometimes.

But Not To Me

2007-11-27T09:52:00.000-08:00

But Not To Me

The April night is still and sweet
With flowers on every tree;
Peace comes to them on quiet feet,
But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast
Where I shall never be,
Love comes to-night to all the rest,
But not to me.

Sara Teasdale

I've finally got around to reading my Four Centuries of Great Love Poems last night. The above poem was actually not on there, but I just loved all the poems by Ms. Teasdale, I looked up the rest online. She expresses what I feel with words. Here's another one:

Gifts

I gave my first love laughter,
I gave my second tears,
I gave my third love silence
Thru all the years.

My first love gave me singing,
My second eyes to see,
But oh, it was my third love
Who gave my soul to me.

Only two people would probably know who all three are in my life in that poem, and how much sense it makes. That's you Christina. lol.

Anyway, I'm at work, bored. I have a lot to talk about but can't focus on what I want to say. I'll blog again later. I'll supply you guys with more poems by Ms. Teasdale. I know you'll enjoy them, Mike.

The Secret

2007-10-30T00:52:00.001-07:00

I got so depressed today; I cried buckets. I ended up telling my best friend what it was, and even though I am ashamed that I did for breaking a promise, I feel like this huge rock has been lifted from my chest.

This whole thing was choking me, making me feel sick to my stomach, I couldn't breathe. I had to tell someone. I think I chose the right person. Who better to talk to than the person who knows you best?

Thank you, God.

Rose

PS. I am still sad. It might take awhile, but thanks for the concerns. I am dealing with it.

Something about Life

2007-10-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

I read this today, and it made me feel a lot better. I thought I would share:

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right; forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

There are some troubles that are fleeting. My troubles yesterday were just that. It is over and there is nothing I can do about it but accept.

In other news, I saw the Bee today. Seeing him makes me miss him more. But oh well. Too bad, so sad, life goes on.

Rose

Woes of a Burdened Heart

2007-10-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

What do you do when someone tells you something that you wish you never knew? Something that could shake what little trust you have left, and break a lot of hearts if spoken to the wrong person? Sometimes it's better to just not know.

I didn't want to know. I told that person not to tell me. I knew what was coming, and if the words were not said, they would merely be thoughts, suspicions founded possibly on nothing. But this person said them. This person had to because they have been carrying it for so long, they needed to free their heart from it. And maybe, if I didn't love this person so much, I would have been angry, condemning them for selfishness.

But this person is not. This person is the very best. If I could take all of this person's cares and worries, I would, so I don't mind that I became the outlet. It is the secret told to me that leaves me with such deep momentary sadness because it was the cause of someone else's pain. Someone whom I love dearly, someone who has been a driving force in my life for so long.

The subject of the secret was someone I used to look up to, one whom I believed others should emulate. I realize now that this person is not perfect, and even though I hate to say it, even though I know that if that person who told me the secret found out that I feel this way would be hurt, I am glad that I never knew this person. I am glad because if I had, I would be undoubtedly broken hearted and left with unbearable emptiness.

Meanwhile, while my faith in one is shattered, my faith in another is affirmed.

I wish I could talk to someone about this, but I don't trust anyone enough to.

Rose

One of Many

2007-10-15T02:51:00.000-07:00

I always wonder how different my life would be if I just said something. If I didn't push him away. If I just let him in. If I let him peel all the layers and let him see who I am. Where would I be? I probably wouldn't feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest everytime I see him. And I see him often.

He is everywhere to me. I think about him all the time, even when I don't want to. I think about that devastatingly handsome smile that reaches his eyes, that quirky humor, and the kindness. For he is so very kind. I think about him when I am sad, and always when I am happy.

I wish we could still share these things with each other. I know he wants to. But I can't. I could barely stand to look at him now. I am afraid that if I do, I'll cry. I am afraid that I might not stop.

He is breaking my heart, and he doesn't even know it.

This is regret. I said I did not have any. But I do. I have a lot. This is the most painful one yet.

Fairytales and Heroes

2007-10-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'll try to type fast because I have class in half an hour, but I really wanted to talk about my fairytale class today.

I never realized how many erotic fairytales there are out there, and let me tell you there are many (mostly Native American). The other day I read one called, The Winkte Way, and it was all about homosexuality. I kid you not. A fairytale, uncensored, talking about males having sex. Oh, but it doesn't end there, they are not only two males, but they are uncle and nephew. Yes, it is most definitely incestuous. Still doesn't end there, nope. The uncle ended up producing little ones. I just about died.

There are other ones, but I won't go into detail.

Anyway, I just want to know why the heroes in most of these fairytales are shallow and very unheroic? At least the males. Okay, some females, too. For example, in the original Grimm Snow White, the servants of the Prince drops the glass coffin (which he bought from the dwarfs b/c he can't live without ever looking upon Snow White's beauty...umm really?) and the apple dislodges from her throat, and they get married and live happily ever after. Seriously? What does that teach our children? That all we have to do is be beautiful and hire clumsy servants and we'll be happy.

Even in the story, Snow White didn't really struggle. All she had to do was cook and clean for the dwarfs, and LISTEN to them about not talking to strangers. What did she do? She opened the door for a comb, a corset, and an apple. Do these things not represent vanity and temptation? She knows that someone is after her, that someone wants to kill her, but she disregards the dwarfs' warning so she can have a new comb. REALLY?

I just don't get it.

What's sad about this is that today, most of us would probably do the same thing if we are given the opportunity to enhance our looks at seemingly no cost. But sometimes, we have to pay too high a price in the end.

Rose

The Bee.

2007-10-11T02:01:00.000-07:00

Oh God. I miss him. A lot. I try not to, I do. It just gets so hard. Especially when I find myself needing someone to talk to.

Rose

Friends Know Best

2007-09-27T00:47:00.000-07:00

I hung out with my super duper friend today, DaffyDaffDaff, and talked about that scary thing called RELATIONSHIP. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Anyway, we reminisced about past "special friendships" and the stupid guys that bruised our hearts, and whose hearts WE bruised. She asked me why I'm still single, and I told her that I don't have time. She said that there is always time, if you make time. I told her that someone told me that I'm just using that as an excuse, and she said, that's exactly what I'm doing. I said, I know. Then I told her that I just haven't met anyone who seems right, and that I'll just know. She looks at me then and says, "You're not looking for someone to date, you're looking for love."

I just laughed.

Rose

Secrets, a Weird Place, and a Painter's Sorrow

2007-09-24T23:54:00.001-07:00

Secrets. I have a lot. There are some I share, and some that I dare not even think about. I have some that I write to people that I never send and some that I do. Then, once in awhile, I'll write something that hopefully, maybe, will get the message across without me having to explain.

I am at a weird place. I can't seem to find my way back to me.

Just something new for you guys to read:

The painter sat there, his heart beating as he waited for someone to admire his painting. No one came; no one even stopped. He turned his head once more, his spirits beaten down.

Then as if his heart whispered in his ear to look just one more time, he saw her.

She stood there, hair covering her face afraid that the world might see her. She stared at his painting, mesmerized, admiring it as if it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

It was a painting of a boy. A boy who is filled with secrets and heartaches. She saw something recognizable in his eyes for it is her own constant companion. She touched the boy's tears and then her face, feeling the warm wetness on her cheeks as her own tears slowly rolled down from her eyes.

The painter then walked toward her, heart beating rapidly willing itself to burst right through his chest. He watched her delve inside the painting. He saw the tears that have fallen ceaselessly from her eyes. It twisted something inside him, brought a familiar ache. Finally, he had the courage to speak:

"What do you see?"
"His sorrow."
"The boy's?"
"No...the painter's."

Rose.

Moving and moving on

2007-09-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

I hate moving. I've done it so many times before that I should be used to it now, but I still hate it. I hate having to look through all my stuff and figure out what's important and what's not (mainly because I'm a pack rat and I keep EVERYTHING). I hate carrying everything downstairs from my room and then load it into the truck and then unload and take it back up again into a new room. It's even worse when you decide NOT to take your ginormous corner desk and instead bring your dad's smaller computer desk without realizing that it's fifty times heavier.

Argh.

So we moved my bed and that darn desk to my new apartment in Davis. I also brought a dining table. My housemate, Kass, brought everything else, and let me tell you, our apartment is awesome. Woot. I haven't really brought anything else because, frankly, I'm too lazy to box up anything. My mom is pretty irked. I'm only stalling because I have to clean my room first and make sure that I know what I need and stuff.

I won't be living there until next week so I'm not too worried. I have other WAY more important things to do (like write a paper for Atlas Shrugged and deal with my internship stuff because it'll start soon!

Anyway, one of my super best friends in the whole wide world had broken up with her long-time-on-and-off boyfriend, and all I could say is: Thank God. I never liked him for her. She was way too good for him. Maybe at first my reasons for not liking him were shallow (I do not find him attractive at all and she's a super hottie), but later on as I got to know him better and as she told me more about him, I always secretly hoped that she'd break it off.

Now that it's finally over (he broke it off, the gall!), I think even she is taking a deep relieving breath. She's free from manipulations, lies, disappointments, and gut-wrenching insults. She's moving on, and I hope it's not too fast. I just hope that she doesn't feel compelled to move on to show him that she's over him. I know that she'll only get hurt, and I wish I could prevent that from happening.

Sigh.

I don't think I will ever understand how this works. The process of pursuing and then breaking a heart and then picking up the pieces and putting them back together again. Maybe that's a good thing--me not knowing. It'll save time, energy, and a whole lot of tears.

Nice Guys vs. Bad Boys

2007-08-31T23:04:00.000-07:00

"A guy with a rough exterior can have a sensitive soul...but most guys who seem damaged, usually are."

I was reading this blog on myspace about nice guys, and most of the stuff on there were true. I think that girls/women ALWAYS complain about these jerky guys we meet, and the people to whom we confide in are usually other men. Yet, these guys/men who listen, offer sound advice, and oftentimes a shoulder to lean on, are those guys we look for, the ones we say no longer exist.

Why do we not realize? I think that we do, because otherwise, they would not be our friends or confidantes. I know we do because I do. I am notorious for this. I complain and cry and complain and cry about all these guys that are bad for me to my male friends who are made of awesome, who never say the wrong things. Maybe they don't feel anything remotely romantic for me, but then maybe they do. Do I care? Yes, I do, whether or not they believe that. Will I do anything about it or pursue something? Probably not.

The reason for that is not because I'm completely unattracted to them, but I just think they deserve more. I think that awesome as they are, they deserve to have someone who is going to love them completely and not because they are someone to settle for. I would NEVER want to be someone a person settles for, and I would never want that for anyone else either. Depriving someone of the opportunity to be completely loved inflicts irrevocable regret and pain in the long run.

Anyway, I wish that I went for nice guys. For some reason, however, I am drawn to the ones who I know will only break my heart. I know that there are guys out there who seem to be rough around the edges, who exude some kind of danger, but in reality are total sweethearts. But most of the time, these guys don't really deserve the benefit of a doubt that we give them. They really are hard and bad and unwilling to change for the better. I know all these, but I'm still attracted to them.

I am so jaded. Sometimes, I don't know if I believe in romantic love anymore. I used to. I used to believe in sacrifices, reflection of one's self in another's eyes, and happily ever afters. Those thoughts and feelings are now a blur. All I know is that if I turn my heart over to anyone, it gives him the power to break it. Do I really want that? No way in hell.

I should probably also mention, that I am poison. I could never go for a good friend or a nice guy because I will break his heart. This is what I do. When I get close to someone who is awesome and wonderful, I become destructive. I say things and do things that break their confidence and, sometimes even trust, in me. My friends will never agree to this, but it's the truth.

I am a hard person to love.

Really, that's totally jokes.

2007-08-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm moving into my new apartment in about two weeks. I'm kinda excited, but not. I don't know. It's really weird. This will be the first time that I'll be moving out of my house, and going on vacation to my aunt's house or something. It actually means that I have to be responsible and pay rent and do my own groceries, and cook my own meals. Hella not jokes.

What is jokes, though, is that my financial aid came through and I only have to pay (hopefully) $0.00 for my tuition fees, which is totally jokes. I used my scholarship to pay for the rest that wasn't covered by finaid (curse you Cal Grant for not giving me any money!), and got a $700 loan per quarter (yes, I'm trying to be responsible and not take out the entire $4500), which will hopefully help pay for my rent! So pretty much, my parents only really have to pay for my books, which will probably cost more than the fees. I HATE THAT! I'll also be working, hopefully. Please pray for me!

Anyway, in other news, I want these totally jokes Christian Dior sunglasses. Marie, however, is making me think about spending all that money on sunglasses, which okay, I totally understand. BOO. I'll get them before next summer, though. I will, I will.

This is a totally pointless blog, but I just felt like writing something.

Rose

Diner Dash, Fran's cotillion, and Journals

2007-08-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

It's been DAYS, since I last blogged. I really haven't had much time, and OK, I've been really busy with Diner Dash. lol. That game is so addicting. I just want to unlock those stupid secret levels and I'm stuck on the first level of the fifth restaurant. I can't freaking get on expert level. I was down by 10 points last time, and I was so frustrated I almost threw my laptop on the wall. I mean really, 10 points, Rose. Please shoot me.

Anyway. Fran had her cotillion on Sunday. It was hecka fun. I sucked at being an emcee, but the debutante was beautiful. There was only one problem, but whatever, she's stupid and ugly, and we hate her. lol. (Love ya, Fran!) I wanted to post up some pictures, but it's taking WAY too long, so I'm not going to anymore. Maybe on another blog.

I think I've mentioned before that I've got A LOT of journals, and I have one particular journal, and hand-written one, that I'm really partial to. It's because it's the only journal I have in which, I can actually share things that I can't really write on here or on my other journals and blogs.

In that journal, I write to one person. Well, two actually, but I stopped writing to the other person a couple of years ago (yes, it's that old), and have been writing to the other one for some time now. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, I feel so comfortable writing to this person, and it's maybe because in the deepest recesses of my heart, I know that if I had the courage to share the things I keep locked up inside, I would share it with them. But I just can't say it out loud. To anybody because no one really understands. Maybe not even this person.

I always hear people telling me that they know how I feel, but they don't. Not really. I don't know if they know how lonely I feel sometimes with no one to talk to, alone with my thoughts. Because I know that some people don't really care. They nod, and say "Aww," but I don't even think they know what they're awwing. Of course, this is not true of everyone, but I still feel so lonely, even with great family and friends.

I feel so sad inside; I don't even know how to begin to explain. It's like all my resentments, disappointments, and grief has filled me up and there's no place for them to go. I don't think I could ever share these things anyway, no matter how much I want to. I guess that's why I write.

I miss my grandma so much. I wish I could talk to her. I know she would have listened, and she would have cared, and she would have said the right things. I know it.

Code blue

2007-08-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

We had two Code Blues today. The announcement was so calm, as if, they're merely paging for someone who has a call waiting. I think today is the worst day I've had at my internship. The clincher for me was when this kid came in with his uncle with a wrap all around his head and a swollen lip. His uncle told the other intern that the boy had gotten into a car crash with his family and he and his 10-month old brother were flown in to UCDMC from Oregon. He could barely walk.

Anyway, they left. Then a little later, he came back to the playroom, with more kids and two adults. I asked if they were his parents, and they said they were his aunt and uncle. Then, the aunt took Melina and me aside and asked if we've been told what happened. Melina said, not really (I guess to find out more, I almost said yes, but she beat me to it), and so the aunt told us what happened. The boy and his family got into a car crash last night, and they were badly hurt, and that his mother died. I wanted to ask about the dad, but assuming that his mother had died, the dad might be in critical condition or at the very least, back home trying to cope.

The aunt said that they haven't talked to him about it yet--his mother's death. They don't know how. I cannot imagine that hardship. How do you tell a little boy that he's never going to see his mother again? This has been the hardest for me to accept. I feel so saddened and heartbroken for these boys. When I saw him again, I wanted to embrace him and weep for his loss.

I take so much things for granted. I've been blessed with so much. My parents make me angry so much sometimes, but I don't know where or what I would be without them. I just wish that they could understand me more...but that's another post.

SportsFest and GREAT friends

2007-08-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

This is going to be short. It was a long, tiring day. I'm very sleepy.

Today was SportsFest! All the NorCal (or at least most) congregations got together for basketball and it was FUN. I got to see the Bird, who seems to get taller and taller every year. I'm so glad I went because I got to hang out with the brethren and I finally feel part of them.

Anyway, after we lost to Fremont, we went to SF and watched the ocean. The air was clean, but REALLY cold. The best part was Becca coming to see me!! Talk about the greatest friend in the world. We walked as close to the ocean as possible.

Oh, the value of great friends. I am so blessed.

Unappreciative people & laser printer pollution

2007-08-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

I was really irritated with one of the parents at work today. My director was telling us about her conference with this lady who said that she believes that the part-time tutors (including me), are only there for the money and not for her son's education. I was like, OMG. I can't believe that she actually said that. She has never spoken to any of us to warrant such generalization regarding our integrity with our job. We have four part-time tutors, all of whom are capable and really do care about the kids we tutor.

I'm a college student, and yes, I do need the money. But honestly, they do not pay that great, nor do they pay enough for the expectations that they have of us. If I am merely working to earn money, then I would work somewhere else.

September will be my fifth year working for this company, and the only reason why I have stayed for so long (with A LOT of sabbaticals) is the kids. I was really offended because without the ACs, I don't think that the center will function at all. We have the most interactions with these kids, and we are closest to their age (obviously NOT the 2nd graders, but I'm sure you get my drift), and we know what advice to give them with respect to their educational aspirations.

Does this woman not realize that everyone who works there is required to have at least a 3.5 GPA, and two of us are in four-year universities? It's not easy. The other two who are both still in high school are ranked and college bound. We're not people that they just picked out on the streets because we're available.

GAH.

In other news, laser printers emit the same pollution as a cigarette. Wtf. I thought that was funny and interesting. I can't stand smoking. I just don't see how people consciously damage their lungs and other organs. Lung cancer can be PREVENTABLE. What the hell, people. Really? As a hopeful future doctor, I advice you all to seriously research smoking before you take it up as a habit. It is the number one cause of developmental problems in children and SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) whose mothers smoked while pregnant. Second hand smoke also affects the heart. Do you want to be responsible for the potential chronic/terminal illnesses of your non-smoker loved ones? I sure hope not.

Plus, it's just disgusting. Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, and really, who wants to lick ashtrays?

Nerdfighters, Friends & the Age of Love

2007-08-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

I am a Harry Potter/Young Adult NerdFighter. I'm probably more, but as those are a couple of the official ones, I'll stick to them for now. Mostly, I am an OrganicChemistry NerdFighter. I'm so glad that there are people like me out there. I think I would be a little scared (like my family is sometimes). I mean who makes "I heart O=Chem" shirts and wears them to the Final? Or gets the "Help! I'm diene" joke? Right. Almost all my super duper nerdy friends.

The thing is, I have two sets of friends. The cool ones and the awesome ones. The cool ones are the ones who like to dress nicely, go on group dates (as in go out with other couples), prim and proper, and pretty much laugh at people who go to Harry Potter midnight releases. The awesome ones are the ones who dress in sweats and shirts with holes, dance in the middle of the store, sing Karaoke off tune (without being drunk w/ exception of Hen-E-te), and go to Harry Potter midnight releases (again, w/ exception to Hen-E-te who enjoys documentaries & Indies).

They do not mesh well together. It is almost always awkward when I bring one from the "cool" group along with the "awesome" group and vice versa. Ok. Ok. I'm being totally unfair. The truth is, I barely hang out with anyone from the "cool" group anymore. I've outgrown the wanting to look nice (not that I've ever been into it), and well, making fun of people who go to Harry Potter midnight releases is like laughing at...well...ME.

Plus, they all have boyfriends now, which makes me feel REALLY awkward because I don't have one. And take note: I DO NOT WANT ONE. I happen to like being single, but that is another blog.

Speaking of relationships, I stopped watching Age of Love. It's pretty sad. I mean you've got this tennis star looking for love, and his choices are between two sets of women: 1) 40-something women, and 2) 20-something women. You would think that it would be an easy choice for a 30-year-old, but it's not. There's a woman there who is 48, who looks like she's 25. She looks better than half of the other 20-somethings.

At first, I couldn't believe that these women would agree to be on this show, but then as the 40-somethings are rejected, I sorta understand. They're there for a reason, right? I mean these women are not ugly or stupid. They are smart and attractive, but they're getting older and yet, they are single. I think that most of them are single, not by choice, but by virtue of timing. These women have careers, and stable lives, which I'm sure took a lot of time to build. As a result, they overlooked finding a partner that will share in their success.

Or maybe, some women really are just unlucky in love.

YouTube videos and guys who want you when you don't want them (anymore)

2007-08-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so first of all, last week my boss sent me one of the most awesome YouTube videos EVER:

I mean how much cooler can a person be? I mean really, a song about Harry Potter that makes so much sense. lol. Well this really inspired me (especially after watching almost all the other videos Hank and his brother, John, posted), and my best friend (who lives in SF now, *tear*) and I decided to start a vlog of our own since we don't see each other AT ALL. Unfortunately, I can't start because I don't have a camcorder, which I would much rather use than a webcam.

Becca, however, has begun. First things first. She's the most awesome best friend anyone can ever ask for. I mean she did get me this:
(only the BEST MOVIE in the whole wide world) as well as the Pride and Prejudice Original Movie poster, which I have yet to frame. SO, I wanted to share the vlog that she made for me, so here it is:

Yep, she's AWESOME!

Anyway, tonight she asked me why guys from the past seem to find their way back when you've moved on and are almost taken. It's also almost always the guys who couldn't seem to commit when you wanted them to. Hmm..is it because they now somehow know that you don't want to tie them down anymore as you've already found someone new? Probably. This is quite possibly something that I'll have to ask one of my ever so great homies. Maybe Mike since I'm having lunch with him on Thursday to discuss Harry Potter. lol. But then again, Mike is such a sincere super great guy, that I doubt he'd have an answer.

Oh, guys. Why must you all be so complicated? And stupid.

Speaking of, uhmm, there is an annoying guy who talks to me and swear he makes a big deal of everything I say or do. I mean really? Shut up.

The "Order" again and things that tickle (and bruise) my heart

2007-07-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

Ok this will probably be a relatively long post since I meant to post Friday night and yesterday, but didn't!
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After reading the Deathly Hallows, and then watching the Order (for the fourth time), I felt even more depressed about the end of Harry Potter. Almost all the dead characters in DH were in the movie, and all I kept doing (to the annoyance of my friends who haven't read the book) was sighing and murmuring, "Oh my God *sigh*. This is so sad." Yes, even when the scene was utterly funny (most especially when it was the scene with one of the casualty in DH).

Anyway, I love my kids at work, and it's because they love me. =) I have been working there for so long that sometimes I feel like it's the same thing over and over, but then you'll get a kid who'll tell you that they think you're the weirdest person they've ever met, but also the coolest. Sometimes, you'll also get a kid who tells you that they have fun there when you're there, or a kid who did well on a multiplication test because you showed them the magical 9, and it makes your heart so full, you think it'll burst from so much love for these kids and appreciation of their recognition.

It breaks my heart to leave this September. =/

On an even sadder note, I saw him today. The him who is the reason why I keep jumping from blog to blog (LJ, Myspace Blog, Live Spaces, and this). I just don't know what to feel when I see him. It's so awkward. I wish we could be the same friends we were before I found out about the girl (the girl whom he pretends does not exist when I talk to him). I wish he wouldn't look at me the way he does, like the world has stopped in that moment. I wish that he wouldn't smile the way he does, as if his smiles are meant only for me.

Because I know they're not. I don't know if they ever were.

I would say that perhaps it is my fault that I am here now. I could blame the walls that spring up the moment I feel that someone's trying to break in. I was right, though, wasn't I? The less I let him in, the less painful this whole situation is for me...except I feel like I've been holding my breath, just waiting for a chance to exhale. I'm just afraid that if I do, more than just repressed air will flow.

If he would just talk about her to me, it would be so much easier. But he won't, and I don't know why.

Chalupa copycat

2007-07-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so I tried to make the Taco Bell Chalupa today which is really an Indian fry bread, and it SUCKED. It was NOT good at all. My brother really liked it though, I don't know why. It tasted bitter to me. I turned down going to Chipotle to make that?! What the hell was I thinking? Apparently, I wasn't.

So instead I marinated some chicken wings in lemon and pepper (another copycat this time from Wingstop). HOPEFULLY, it'll turn out all right.

My grandma is coming over today. I don't know how I feel about that. She's okay. We're not that close. She gives me money though, and cooks a lot.

Speaking of money, I'm going broke even though I work all the time. ARGH. I need to save up since I'll be moving out into my apartment in September. I don't think my housemates will much appreciate it if I don't pay rent. It'll be hard, but I might need to get a job once I move. I just hope that with a job and my internship and NPB all in one quarter, I'll do awesome. I hope I would have started choir practice by then, too. I think out of anything else, I'm mostly looking forward to that.

I need to find a bed with a storage. I like the one at IKEA. My dad will probably get it. We'll see. If only we were rich and didn't have to worry about paying for college. Pray for me to get those grants I've been applying for! Swear they hate me. I mean my brother is getting grants, I don't understand why I'm not!!

Okay, it's time to do something productive. I'll be back later!

Journal (again?) and HP & the DEATHLY HALLOWS

2007-07-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

Rose has a new journal. Again. Maybe I'll stick with this one.

Anyway, finished the new Harry Potter book in 16 hours. It was freakin AWESOME. I wanted to write a proper review for it, but what the hey, I'm too lazy. I thought JKR did an incredible job, even though the Epilogue SUCKED. It just seemed too fanfictionish for me. Really.

The rest of the book was AMAZING. Seriously from page 1 it was super action-filled and totally exciting. There were parts in there that were total tear-jearkers. OMG. Then the death tolls...well it was quite depressing.

I don't want to write too much about it. People who haven't read might want to read it, and everyone should definitely read it. No spoilers here. I wish I could write more about it, maybe someday.

I'm off to re-read the Sorcerer's Stone. I think I'll analyze that first. lol.